Last weekend I met my good friend Kate in College Station, Texas, home to our alma mater, and we spent a nice relaxing girl’s weekend at her in-laws football season house. We ate at our favorite restaurant La Bodega, not once, but twice. We watched Sex-in-the-City reruns, baked cookies and even took a nap on Saturday. It was fantastic. The only draw-back to the entire weekend was that the house had no internet. Somehow, the world continued to go ’round, but that did mean…no Pinterest for me. Boo.
So last night I’m in my room catching up on all the fabulousness that I missed – cool shirts – tasty recipes – quirky humor – when I run across a pin so horrifying that I immediately had to abandon Pinterest. The damage had already been done. What I found was so absolutely disturbing that it took me an hour of reading to get it out of my head and, still, when I woke up this morning, there he was…
David Bowie, circa 1986, starring in The Labyrinth. CREEPY.
This movie gave me nightmares as a child. It made me afraid that my stuffed animals we going to come alive and take me hostage. It had me terrified as a teenager to babysit my little brother. I don’t even know if I can put this into perspective for you guys. I AM STILL TERRIFIED OF THIS MOVIE. It gives me a serious case of the heebie-jeebies.
The movie opens with poor little repressed Jennifer Connelly babysitting her baby brother while her parents go off for a night of dinner and dancing. She’s so upset by her predicament that she wishes her brother away to the goblin king played by David Bowie. Then she spends the entire movie trying to solve the king’s labyrinth and save her brother by befriending a peeing goblins, nearly suffocating in a land-fill of disgusting muppets, and generally trying to escape hundreds of other creepy-crawly creations from Jim Henson’s imagination. (Sorry, Jim, I’ll never be a fan.)
The only saving grace here is that at the end of the movie, after sweet and innocent Jennifer Connelly makes it through the labyrinth only to discover the sinister David Bowie holding her baby brother hostage in some sort of topsy-turvy, I can stalk-you-around-every-corner maze of staircases, she finally realizes that the only real control that he holds over her is in her mind, and she utters “You have no power over me!” Like magic, David Bowie is defeated, Jenny gets her brother back and alls well that ends well, right? Only in the movies.
To make matters worse, the person that pinned the lovely picture above actually admitted to being attracted to David Bowie. I think I just threw up in my mouth a little bit. I mean, seriously? You couldn’t PAY ME to think that. You could enlist the services of the best plastic surgeons in the world to make him look like Ryan Reynolds and I would still know. Blehhhh.
David Bowie, you have no power over me. Unfortunately you have successfully given me the willies for over 20 years. Ick.